Depression.I always wondered what is so hard about it that people can`t easily dissolve it. Did you ever lose someone very dear to your soul? A parent, a child, a grandparent or a lifetime partner? Someone that cannot be replaced no matter how many years passed from the tragic event? You can start to deal with the biggest depression of your life.

My story begins exactly 1 year ago. On the 9th of July 2018. One day before my birthday. I was pregnant in 20 weeks, with my little daughter. My father died. My best friend, my prince, my emotional sustenance, the man I learned almost everything from. Disappeared. I didn`t even have the chance to say goodbye. I hoped each second that he will get better.  But he didn`t.

One year later I am still so affected, sad and depressed that I can barely find my words to speak about my suffering. I always knew that our bodies are not immortal. But I couldn`t imagine the intensity of pain that you feel when you lose a parent. I saw my parents suffering when they lost their parents. I saw my husband suffering when his father died. I thought I was close enough to this kind of experiences, to be able to manage the waterfall of emotions that come with them. But I was so wrong.

For me it`s not only the event that impacted me as a bazooka.

It`s that I miss him more and more each day.

I miss his calm voice and his angelic smile. His good advices and his encouragements. And more than everything, his warm HUGS. The secure feeling each girl has when daddy is around.  I also miss his funny jokes. I miss everything about him, because he was the perfect dad. The one that you can follow for sure as a role model in your life.

What happens when such a horrible moment appears in your life? You cry, you can`t sleep, you can`t eat, you don`t feel like talking about what you experience. Because you feel that your suffering is to intense that no one can perceive it. These symptoms usually disappear in a few weeks, one by one. But what happens when they don`t? You wait for months to heal and to feel better, but you only feel worst than ever.  You find yourself slipping into a big ocean of depressive episodes.  

I don`t want to feel sad.

No one does. I don`t want to feel like something constantly drains out all my good energy. Like nothing makes me happy for more than 5 minutes. To feel that I don`t want to get up in the morning. And to have a strange feeling of fear thinking about the moment I have to go to bed.

If you identify with more than two of the above feelings, you should continue reading this article. Because I`ve been down there in those emotions and I already know how hard it is to struggle with their intensity. First step in the healing process is to admit the fact that you are in big suffering.

Many of us have painful experiences in life. But we are here on this planet to live different experiences, not to identify with them and to stay “hooked on a feeling”. Like happiness and joy, sadness is normal to be experienced. Same as suffering and depression. The problem occurs when something affects us in such a manner that we don`t find enough inner strength to recover our positivity.  When we remain so focused on the suffering, that we constantly loose good energy in favor of low energy.

What is Human Suffering?

According to Wikipedia, suffering is an experience of unpleasantness and aversion associated with the perception of harm or threat of harm in an individual. Suffering can be both physical or mental, coming in all degrees of intensity, from mild to intolerable. Illness, poverty, disability, pain or death can cause physical suffering. Frustration, guilt, heartbreak, humiliation, self-pity or loneliness cause mental suffering. While physical suffering can be addressed and medically treated, mental suffering persist. Even in the most ideal physical circumstances.

Suffering is a necessity of human condition.

The way people address suffering makes the difference, determining the course of their lives. Suffering on a long term is a choice. People can seriously be damaged after suffering or they can use this feeling with a constructive purpose.

Nothing is permanent. Everything is in a constantly change. Mental suffering comes from being too attached to what is passing. We can experience temporary sadness. But when we don`t treat our sadness, we end up suffering of depression. Depression symptoms are easy to be identified for some people, but not for everyone. There are a few signs that help us identify depressive episodes.

Depression Symptoms

1 Permanent sadness and unhappiness.

 People suffering from depression often feel unhappy without any reason. A pessimistic attitude on our experiences maintains the perfect circumstances for dissatisfaction.

2 Being frustrated and irritated on small matters.

Most of us are to busy with our chaotic way of living. Therefore, we may not realize that we manifest chronic irritability and anger.

3 Sleep disorders are another sign of depression.

Even if we speak about insomnia or sleeping too much, notable changes in sleeping patterns may be another symptom of clinical depression.

4 Loss of pleasure in normal activities that used to make you happy.

Clinical depression is good friend with loosing your interest in your hobbies. If your favorite activity is not stimulating your sense of pleasure anymore, you should ask yourself seriously why is this happening. From my own experience I know that those who experience depressing tend to isolate themselves. This behavior makes it hard for friends and family to help us regain our energy and happiness.

5 Appetite disorders.

  A common sign of this suffering is a massive change in the appetite. Some lose weight while others gain some extra pounds. Associated with other symptoms, appetite changes worth investigating.

6 Unjustified negative emotion seem to rule your world.

When you constantly feel guilty or worthless, staying hooked on your past failures, you need to seek help. You can speak to a doctor, or maybe you want to talk about your experience with your best friend. If you find yourself blaming you for things that are not your responsibility, remember that you are not responsible for someone else`s behavior.

7 Thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts and attempts.

This is the most scary and serious sign of clinical depression. For severely suffering persons, suicidal thoughts are common experience. Even if I know how hard fighting with depression is, suicide is not an option. This is the moment when you NEED to tell someone what you are going through and to seek for help.

No wonder Buddhists seem obsessed with suffering, making it the first subject of interest in addressing issues. Coming in different forms, suffering is a universal mark of existence.  To help us identify our suffering, Buddhists describe the main forms of suffering we experience during life:

  •                 Suffering of suffering. The pain of birth and of old age, sickness and death, all king of physical suffering are reunited in this category.
  •                 Suffering of change usually refers to experiences that determine mental suffering. For example, losing a parent is an experience that belongs to this category. It was something that made you happy while it existed in your reality, and generated a huge pain when it disappeared.
  •                 All-pervasive suffering, referring to our general background of insecurities and anxiety.

I tried to practice meditation, Yoga, chakra balancing and other holistic methods that are well known for their healing properties. I can`t say I saw a big improvement in my condition.  None of them had the power to heal my wounds. But I won`t give up until I will regain my energy and my happiness.

If you experienced long term suffering and depression, please share your story with us. Who or what helped you to get rid of this constantly mental pain?  I am sure there are a lot of others like me, that would try almost everything to get over depression.